Let’s Not All Jump In At Once: A soap opera tutorial

SCENE I - TUTORIAL ROOM SKL002. 4:05pm.

[It’s time for your first tutorial for History of Round Buildings. You arrive at five past. Your professor is the only one there — he is the leading expert globally in all matters of circular construction. He has published countless papers and has recently released a new book on rotundas in thirteenth-century Armenia, available in all good bookshops.]

YOU: Just you and me today, is it?

PROFESSOR: Hm? Oh no, I’m just leaving.

[Exit PROFESSOR. Enter TUTOR, a PhD student of questionable credentials and certainly no interest in round buildings. He takes a seat. Dressed in a dusty jacket, ruffled collar, and a tie that is just barely holding on to his neck, he looks as though he has arrived by falling through the ceiling.]

[The rest of the students begin to arrive. The first is EX-SITUATIONSHIP, who pretends not to notice you. Next is QUARTER-ZIP, whom you saw sitting outside the Dunvegan whilst you were sprinting up North Street. Third is a SWARM OF CRICKETS. Fourth is BUDDING SCHOLAR, who is potentially a younger clone of TUTOR. Finally, KARL MARX enters and sits.]

TUTOR: [Rustling papers] Good to see you all. How are we doing today?

[Silence. You pretend to look deep in thought at the question and vaguely nod your head. To your left, QUARTER-ZIP has asked ChatGPT for an answer. Across the table, EX-SITUATIONSHIP is staring at you blankly.]

TUTOR: [Jolly] Let’s get started then: raise your hand if you’re happy with what the lectures have covered so far.

[No hands are raised. QUARTER-ZIP thoughtfully gazes out the window.]

TUTOR: Alright, so what exactly are we finding difficult about this?

[Silence]

TUTOR: Ah, so if we’re not finding it difficult, then what exactly are we finding easy?

[Dead silence. BUDDING SCHOLAR is clearly trying to pluck up the courage to speak. EX-SITUATIONSHIP is still staring at you.]

TUTOR: [Smiling] Ah! Now that’s interesting — so we’re not finding it easy, but we’re not exactly finding it difficult either. Good, good, so we’ve identified that it’s a topic of a sort of middling complexity, good, good — well done. What did you think of the reading?

BUDDING SCHOLAR: [Sitting up] W-w-well … I thought it was ... very interesting. It raises a lot of good points but is too modern to really give us a sense of —

TUTOR: [Furiously shouting] What on earth do you think you’re talking about? My God, I’ve never heard such a ridiculous thing in all my life. What nauseous, ludicrous offal! [Banging on table] People like you make me sick. You ought to go back to primary school, where they might teach vermin like you to read. [Presses button underneath the desk. Three Security and Response officers enter, grab BUDDING SCHOLAR and take him away.]

[The students snicker. KARL MARX objects to the abuse of power by the bourgeois TUTOR. EX-SITUATIONSHIP is eerily foaming at the mouth. TUTOR is crying. In three years of teaching, he has never once succeeded in getting a student to talk to him. As soon as one did, he let his extraordinarily superior knowledge get the better of him. It has all been for nothing.]

TUTOR: [Crying and wailing] I-I can’t take it anymore! Can any of you understand what it’s like to sit here? Can you? When, after so much work, day after day, you’re ignored by the most promising young minds in the country? Can you really understand what it’s like? [He continues to cry]

[SWARM OF CRICKETS chirps.]

Illustration by Eve Fishman