Grow Your Moustaches All-Year-Round

Don't wait for Movember to blend in

As the weather turns foggy and grey, this can only mean that Halloween is almost upon us. But, once the cobwebs settle and the face paint washes off, there is another major holiday next in line: Movember! In this town, such an occasion is not to be taken lightly. Many people go on daily runs and dips to admirably support men’s mental health. Athletics aside, the most legendary aspect of Movember is by far the moustache-growing of it all. Handlebars, horseshoes, goatees, every kind is welcome! However, I am sensing that some malicious members of the public are using this important cause as a chance to experiment with their facial hair in a manner that cannot be judged or criticised because it is supposedly in the name of charity. 

Let me preface this article by stating that I am in no way going to diss the validity of Movember as a charity endeavour. Let the men have their mental health! I’m not going to stop them; in fact, I am going to support them this November and all the other Novembers to come. Moreover, this article refers to a tiny percentage of the facial hair faction of Movember. If you grow your ‘stasche to support the lads struggling, then do not fret, my anger is not towards you. 

My issue lies with those who make the calculated decision to selfishly manipulate this charity event to suit their vain beauty risks. When I plucked my eyebrows too thin during Breast Cancer Awareness month (the very month of October, by the way), did you hear me telling people it was for a good cause? No, because it was a mistake. So why do you, Pricklyhair McGee, over in the corner, go around telling people you’re growing the moustache for men’s mental health? You started growing it, maybe because you saw lots of hairy faces, and realised that it didn’t suit you. I’ll give it a pass; a fashion faux pas can happen to anyone. However, when you start changing your tune and begin telling people that you are doing this for a specific reason, then I take issue. You know you are a fraud of Movember, too scared to shave for fear of looking like a misandrist! 

It would not even be a problem if these snakes in the grass were honest about their error and admitted that they just wanted to try something new and had been sucked into a cause much bigger than themselves. But when you start treating others as if they are in the wrong for uncovering your dark truth, then you have to be cut down. There are so many cold months in the year to experiment with your facial hair. Why do you pick the one that makes it so important in the public eye? Do you see this charity event as a shield to protect your selfishly grown moustache? I revoke your fraudulent armour. You need to achieve the confidence to attempt facial hair in September, October, December, January, and February, instead of abusing the safe space of Movember. 

As an inspector of the streets and its inhabitants, I see a lot of bristly beards and vibrant vibrissa in November. For this reason, I urge you to trust me when I tell you that we can tell the difference between a moustache grown for a good cause and a beard allowed to fester because you wanted to take this opportunity to shake up your look. Facial hair grown with empathy for a mental health crisis is radiant, no matter how scraggly or patchy. Its profound spirit emanates through peach fuzz or thick bush! A moustache mooching on a charitable event will always look underwhelming because you have co-opted an event that you do not believe in. 

At the end of the day, it is really not that serious, and if anything, you look like more of a bad person for interrogating people’s motivations for growing a moustache instead of just assuming that they are supporting a good cause. But I know that lurking on these pavements are people who are abusing charity for vain purposes, and I had to get it off my chest so that they get it off their faces. 

Illustration from Wikimedia Commons