Your Boyfriend is a Misogynist

Your boyfriend is a misogynist, and I’m sorry if I’m the first one to say it. My boyfriend is also a misogynist — I do not exempt myself from my philosophical treatises. Many of you probably operate under a definition of misogyny that means an active anger at all women — I use it as Kate Manne does: to describe the patriarchal conditions that we all live under. Men are rewarded for conforming to behaviours and institutions that reproduce misogynistic structures, because if they don’t, they are branded a Simp, a Cuck, or a Beta-Male. 

Our culture is one that teaches boys to ignore emotions, seek power, isolate, self destruct, and view women through a lens of ‘other.’ It’s not a particularly hot or nuanced take to opine that misogyny exists in everyday actions and conversations, but nonetheless it is important to talk, think, and write about the intrinsic systems and habits of our society. When oppressive behaviours and habits of others are unquestioned and brushed off as a ‘joke,’ ‘misunderstanding,’ or even ‘well-intentioned,’ it dehumanises the oppressed. 

The issue of ‘intent’ often comes up in discussions of misogyny. The insistence that men ‘don’t know,’ or have ‘good intentions’ in their actions is more purported after the fact, when harm has occurred. Intent is inherently subjective, and thus cannot erase or amend an action; intent is only established after harm occurs to mitigate consequence. Men should take offence at the idea that they ‘don’t know’ they are being misogynistic, as it reduces their intelligence to a child who does not know how to reason, an animal who can only follow their base urges. 

Yet it is almost inconceivable for a woman to avoid punishment or blame for her actions because she ‘didn’t know better’, while men are allowed every benefit of the doubt. To paraphrase, ‘there is no use insisting a system is supposed to do what it does not.’ When a man is continuously demeaning towards women, giving him the benefit of the doubt because he ‘didn’t know’ only prolongs the suffering of the oppressed to preserve the comfort of the oppressor. 

To match an action’s effect to its intent but not its consequence is to demean and rob those affected of their experience entirely. Even if Mark did not mean to hit Mary, he still did. The societal emphasis on the oppressor’s intent is sinister from the beginning because it pushes the onus of abuse onto the oppressed. Why did Mark hit Mary? Why does WHY matter more than Mary? I’m not denying that the actions of others influence our own, but as rational beings we do have agency. To blame others is careless.

Misogyny is ingrained in our experience to the point that many are unable to recognise its hold, even in its most extreme forms. The majority of us born in the 21st century received an inadequate and traumatic sexual socialisation through online pornography. We, the Gen Z, learn through porn that violence is inseparable from sex; men learn that sex involves domination and violence, and women learn that subsequent submission is expected. Porn depicts women that enjoy being slapped, hit, pissed on, choked, demeaned, and abused; men who are angry, emotionless, violent, and cruel. Neither sex benefits from the normalisation of violence against women. Even if a man believes he respects women, and perhaps he does, he’s still uplifted by a system that suppresses women. 

So, what now? The fact that your boyfriend is a misogynist is not a permanent diagnosis but a symptom of the larger societal ill that is sexism. Men are hesitant to admit personal culpability in misogyny, and there is no point in sitting your boyfriend down and saying “you’re a misogynist.” I have had this conversation both successfully and unsuccessfully, and advised many of my friends on the matter: it’s not the ‘outcome’ of the conversation that matters, but your boyfriend’s reaction. The question isn't whether your boyfriend has ever participated in misogyny. The question is what he does when that participation is pointed out: is he receptive or defensive? Is he really listening to you? 

It’s not one’s fault that they have been conditioned into bias. But it does become their fault when, knowing the ills and impact of their actions, they don’t change their behaviour because it’s the easier and uncontested way. Once the harm and its implications are brought to attention, ‘I didn't know’ cannot absolve responsibility. 

It took my best friend two years to realise it was abnormal for her ex-boyfriend and his friends to joke that they were going to get together and curb-stomp her to death. Their first instinct upon being slighted was to come together and murder her. That’s not a funny joke. I know countless men who call me a B***h!’ behind my back and still put their hand out expectantly when I take out a pack of cigarettes. I’ve been shoulder-checked in the street for refusing to move out of the way for a group of men; ridiculed for speaking my mind; for being honest with feelings or deceitful with them; for having sex or for not having sex; for being affected or unaffected. I don’t think this article will be read by those who most need to read it, but nonetheless I will write it, even if it is in vain.

Illustration by Francesca Jeffs