My Rector Manifesto

My plans for improving St Andrews

Back in January, after a controversy provoking students and the university’s governing body, Rector Stella Maris was removed from her position as President of the University Court. Many, therefore, are looking to October, when we will be presented with an array of candidates for our next Rector, all no doubt promising to represent our interests and share the progressive views of our liberal student body — yes, all three of them.  

However, after the Maris debacle, can we really know that the succeeding Rector will fulfil their role as our representative and tackle our true student concerns? And, if not, who will? Well, knowing nothing of the future candidates, and my only achievement since winning the race to the egg being obtaining my school pen license, I’m frankly not qualified to provide an answer. Nevertheless, what I do know is that if you want something done properly, do it yourself. So, to ensure that the next rector genuinely benefits St Andrews students, allow me to present my manifesto for my reign of terror to ‘Make St Andrews Great Again.’

I’ll start with the most pressing issue first: the financial crisis. For years, we’ve been plagued with monetary concerns, and nobody has found a solution. This is because nobody has bothered to ask me. Looking around, we have the largest, most profitable asset just waiting to be exploited: the foolish. Every other night, there are students mad enough to go to The Vic, so much so that it remarkably remains running. Furthermore, there is a whole community who pay fortunes to attend fashion shows that they weren’t considered attractive enough to appear in, and yet somehow still consider this fun. Above all, the town is crawling with those foolish enough to believe we’re remotely interested in the Edinburgh private school they went to, and even more foolish to think we can’t hear their silly accent. If these people are daft enough to exist in this way, surely they won’t notice if some of their finances were, say, diverted to better causes.  

With finances fixed, I would then revitalise our academic environment, and, fear not, my plans are extensive. I will make the university campus a place for all to prosper, starting by removing all hindrances to academic focus and comfort. I will deport anyone too enthusiastic in lectures on a Thursday morning (or post-Wednesday night, as it would officially be called). I will have the cougher, the mouth breather, and the cruncher sitting next to you in the library taken out and shot. I will personally maim the slow walkers on North Street who don’t understand the concept of single file. I will have those in the gym taking up all the treadmills burned at the stake before the miles of natural coastlines that they so crudely rejected. I will cleanse the town of all anti-social behaviour, and it will be a better place.  

I shall also attack — sorry, improve — the physical town, bringing me onto the housing crisis: yes, the houses are ugly. One of the glorious features of St Andrews is its historic architecture, and it’s devastating to see beautiful buildings engulfed by acres of grey pebble-dashed monstrosities. I would therefore create an aesthetic plan to restore the town to its former glory, starting by taking a bulldozer to Andrew Melville Hall. Alterations underway, I’d then target more housing that makes you lament how it’s a bad day to have eyes, namely Gannochy and the architectural skid mark that is Largo Road. “But what about the rental crisis?” I hear you cry. Well, looking at my aforementioned student proscription list, this should no longer be a problem. If anything, there will be too much housing. 

So, with such infallible solutions to finance, housing, and the academic environment, vote for me for your next Rector: a woman with a vision, an understanding of the real issues facing St Andrews students, and a belief that ‘things can only get better’ ... 

Illustration from Wikimedia Commons