Why Modern Languages Is The Sexiest Degree

Ooh la-la

The student population is in despair: because of the saturated graduate scene, we can’t get a job, and because of a nonexistent dating scene, we can’t even get laid. It’s a sorry situation, and, as a ‘chopped femcel’ whose degree was rendered obsolete by Google Translate before even starting it, I too want to give up. I’m lamenting the lyrics to Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now — although not all of them, because, unlike Morrissey, despite looking for a job, I never found one.

Nonetheless, recently, Mumsie came to the rescue — I shouldn’t worry about my prospects, because she heard (either from reels or another of her infallible sources of information) that Modern Languages is considered the sexiest degree. Initially, I filed it mentally with her other white lies, like how I’m single because I’m so beautiful, men find me intimidating, or that she misses me. However, after some pondering about what’s considered “sexy,” I realised Mumsie was right, and here’s pourquoi ...

Firstly, Modern Languages exude authority and elegance. When ordering vino tinto y acietunas on Iberian terraces, only you can authentically roll your Rs and casually banter with the token greasy bartender, demonstrating your cosmopolitan flair and putting those other fat, sweaty Anglophone tourists to shame. Monolingualism is simply not sexy. From experience, no matter how many hormones are coursing through you, when the grown man sits before you, looks le serveur in the eye and orders his chocolat chaud with atrocious grammar and an accent somehow merging Angolan and Welsh, those feelings turn to hate.

Such superiority is also not just reserved for the holidays. In the Union smoking area, when you select your international post-grad as your victim — sorry, friend — for the night, others may try to chime in, but without avail. Because who isn’t seduced by your infinite arsenal of past participles? Or your seamless shifts into the subjunctive? Any mortal’s loins surely quiver at the thought. Their attention has nothing to do with you having heard them speak their mother tongue, then cornering them and offering them a lighter, giving them no choice but to humour you. They just want you so bad.

Then there’s your year abroad. Admittedly, I hated my year abroad, so upon returning to St Andrews, I chose the room furthest away from France. With its West Sands view, it also conveniently looks away from it. However, after being the token étranger at work and consequently shunned like a rabid dog for a year, you will bask in whatever attention comes your way. Nothing is sexier than enthusiastic sociability and charisma, and after my stint in solitary confinement, I am basically Nigella.

But alas, it’s not about the course, but the transferable skills, and a Languages degree is perfect for navigating relationships. Whilst translation teaches us both that tone is crucial and that we will never be enough, oral classes prepare us for intimate interactions, although unfortunately not as the name suggests. As there are only so many possible questions about summer holidays, oral questions can range from how you would have fled East Germany in 1984 to how you personally would fix the Greek economy. When faced with the inevitable “Would you still love me if I were a worm?” we therefore hear not an irritating conundrum, but another opportunity to flaunt our infinite wisdom, empathy, and ease with the conditional. A further perk is an extraordinary memory for information regarded by normal people as unimportant, like the German for ‘fuel rods’ (which is Brennenstäbe, by the way), so birthdays, anniversaries, and pets’ names won’t go forgotten.

Finally, you may not be well-endowed — it may be like braille up or down there — but what you do have is Quizlet Plus, which is the academic equivalent of double Ds. When I whip out my digital vocab list, I feel those pangs of desire from my peers. I have something, and they want to have a go at it. You probably do too.

So, you may be clapped, unemployed, and as replaceable by AI as a phone operative, but, whilst AI can answer to administration or translation, only you can really answer, and earn, the question “Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?”

Illustration from Wikimedia Commons