Local Wizard Warns of Terrible Incoming Winter

In St Andrews, the autumn of 2026 has offered more sunny days than one would expect. While some have complained about how their favourite coats are collecting dust, and many worry for the climate, most people have been utilising the eighteen-degree October days to enjoy their coffees and drinks outside without needing to wrap themselves in wool and down. 

On 13 October, the local St Andrews wizard Noldus (age unknown) cried, “The beautiful autumn! The oh-so-strong sun, showing its warming powers as much as this in the month of October means only, only… that a terrible winter is coming!” while standing on the Whyte-Melville Memorial Fountain on Market Street. Most onlookers passed with confused expressions, quickly dismissing him as either psychologically impaired or as part of some impromptu street-theatre act that they didn’t have the time nor wish to observe. When asked for an interview, Noldus hesitatingly agreed. He explained that he was worried his powers would possibly diminish if he spoke of them, and that his profound insights could cause “momentous mental distress” if they were to be elaborated upon. In the end, however, he concluded that his message was “too important to withhold in any way.” 

I was invited to Noldus’ cave, located near Maiden Rock. Inside,

there was an assortment of pipes, powder-filled mortars, and jars bearing cloudy

liquids. “That’s actually just kombucha. Good for the gut,” he said with a smile

when asked what one glass contained. “Do you wish to try some?” Noldus went on to explain how the Aztec weather god Tláloc had spoken to him in a “frightening yet

beautiful vision” that he had in a dream exactly one week before his public spectacle.

“I had to consult my scrolls… and lean on my methods… to understand what it was

I saw.” At this point, he pulled out a drawer from his antique cupboard and

ruffled around until he found what could only be identified as cannabis. 

“It is of… medicinal quality. Mm. Yes”. 

Noldus then packed a small mountain of the cannabis into his long, wooden, ivory-detailed pipe, sat down in his very large chair made of stone, and proceeded to smoke it. He then coughed very loudly, many times, but kept exclaiming that he was fine and that it was normal for him.

“Tláloc warned me that our complaining of the weather in general has led to an imbalance of the elements in the transcendental realm.” When asked to explain what this meant, Noldus promptly said, “No,” and went quiet for a few minutes, after which he asked if I liked Tool. Before receiving an answer, he put on a record from the band and proceeded to give a speech about “dissolving your ego.” 

It became increasingly clear that the answers I was looking for were not going to be provided by Noldus. He was sorry that he couldn’t offer more of an explanation and remains worried about the coming season. What Noldus will do to further disseminate his message remains uncertain. One local said, “The winter is always terrible here,” in response to Noldus’ prophecy, which demonstrated that if the inhabitants of St Andrews are to listen, he needs to change his approach. 

“Perhaps I’ll do a song next time… hmm”. 

Illustration from Wikimedia Commons