Job Vacancies in St Andrews
- Claudia Reimer
- 13 minutes ago
- 3 min read
For a town made up of only three streets, and with the majority of students leaving during the summer months, job vacancies in St Andrews can be difficult to come by. In response to this dilemma, I have taken a generous amount of time to compile a list of positions to fill:
Professional Bed Warmer
£100/ hour, plus tips depending on depth of warmth provided
Must be attractive
Responsibilities
Services are only provided during the coldest of Scottish months. In spring and summer, students typically drop their ‘hoes’ to have a ‘hot girl summer.’
Roll around in the client’s bed, projecting your body heat to maximum surface area. Extra points if you accumulate enough static electricity to boop them on the nose and give them a small shock.
Be prepared to suit up for any condition of bed sheets: unwashed sheets filled with crumbs that tickle your toes, sheets that cling to the duvet and make a tearing noise as you pull them apart to climb in, or a freshly made bed that smells faintly of lilies of the valley.
Taste Barista
Unpaid, for looks only.
Worker must be Eastern European and have the face of one who would spit into your coffee
Responsibilities
Play techno on the speakers during the 7am shift and talk with your co-workers while forgetting there is a long queue at the counter.
Give a piercing look to anyone who dares to order cow’s milk instead of oat milk. (You must, of course, be vegan — though wearing your grandmother’s real furs is acceptable, provided your parents are CEOs of companies contributing generously to the climate crisis.)
Refuse to write names down on coffee cups and proceed to watch people pick up the wrong orders. Evil laugh and rub your hands together every time this occurs. Then do it again.
Sally Mapstone’s Personal Stylist
£2.05/ hour (the University spent all its money on opening a business school)
Should know how to use a glue gun and a stapler
Responsibilities
Dress Sally in the same exact pantsuit each day and remind her how dashing she looks in the colour red.
Be prepared to serve Sally breakfast on a tray every morning, followed by carefully touching up her hair into a perfect bowl cut.
When you have a chance, either mending one of her red pant suits or tailoring one of her red pant suits, bring up the email Sally sent out to the entirety of the university over George Floyd in June of 2020. Specifically and gently question her about how she thought of the striking line addressed to the student body: “For the most part, you can breathe.”
Extension Request Writer
£22/ hour, tips depending on length of extension granted
The extension request writer must have a Pulitzer Prize in fiction
Responsibilities
Be available around the clock towards the end of weeks five and nine.
Always wait until Thursday evening/night, the day before the deadline is due, to shoot out an extension request (only proceed if the client is a humanities student).
Provide services such as organising photoshoots to capture your client projectile vomiting onto their bed while claiming they contracted Rhinovirus from licking all the doorknobs in St Mary’s. Alternatively, be prepared to photoshop a receipt for a straightjacket or a newly purchased weighted blanket; either will do to prove you are tending to your needs and require a few days off.
The Rectorship
Voluntarily
Anyone with a heartbeat
Responsibilities
No responsibilities. Elections upcoming. Just searching to fill the role.
Illustration by Isabelle Holloway