Climbing For Dummies

The national rock climbing epidemic has spread to Dundee

After Alex Honnold scaled Taiwan’s biggest skyscraper last month, I was one of the many people who jumped on the rock climbing bandwagon. For better or for worse, I’ve learned some things about the sport, and I want to share my highly informative top tips with you, our readers.

It’s important to first clarify the different disciplines of the sport. Alex Honnold climbed Taipei 101 free solo, meaning without a rope and harness. I have begun with bouldering, which also means climbing without a rope and harness. The subtle difference between the two lies in the risk factor. While I typically climb no higher than about five meters, Honnold’s most famous free solo climbs of El Capitan in Yosemite and Taipei 101 took him 900 metres and 500 metres off the ground, respectively. While I can safely fall onto a crash mat at the end of my climb, Honnold would hit either tarmac or a bed of rocks at terminal velocity. The reason I like bouldering is that I, presumably unlike Honnold, have a functioning amygdala (Google it).

Don’t let the comparison take away from the very real fear of falling from the top of the wall, however. Often do I find myself dangling from the top hold, too scared to jump and too weak to climb back down. When I do eventually lose my grip and fall to the floor, I am reminded that the embarrassment from the brevity of my descent is sharper than rocks could ever be. This takes me to my first top tip: If you have a significant other, do not bring them along at the beginning. There is no way to make someone lose interest quite as quickly as flailing your legs like a child, particularly when your feet are level with their head.

I say like a child, but children are actually some of the strongest climbers in the gym. Should you step away from the wall for more than a second, be prepared for a seven-year-old to climb your route immediately. And because they are children who haven’t yet learned social cues, they will be sure to remind you on the way down that they found the climb very easy, even though they’re only little.

When it comes to climbing, children are second only to the veterans who have dedicated their lives to the sport. This breed of climber will walk up your project as a ‘warm-up’ and proceed to spend the next two hours hanging upside down from holds that are invisible to the naked eye. 

You can actually identify an experienced climber before they even approach the wall, thanks to their distinctive beanie-long-hair-and-a-moustache uniform. In combination with a slightly jarring nonchalance, my loathing for which I cannot reasonably justify, this triplet provides an inexplicable physical boost. Tip two, therefore, is to buy a beanie or be a child. For optimal results, both are preferable.

My third and final tip is to avoid buying your own climbing shoes. This may sound counterintuitive, but blaming rental shoes is essential for masking your inadequacy. You lost your footing? These bloody rentals! Stuck on the same problem for a week? These bloody rentals! Too weak to pull yourself up? I needn’t repeat myself. Regardless of the nature of your mistake, your footwear must always be at fault. Until you buy your first pair of La Sportivas, no one, not even you, can truly know just how bad you are at rock climbing. 

Now that I have shared my wealth of knowledge with you all, you are more than ready to join your local bouldering gym. Results may vary, but as long as you use rental shoes, the results won’t matter anyway.

Photo taken from Walltopia.com