“Bless You”

A brief history of phlegm and social decorum

The average healthy adult coughs four to seven times a day, according to the National Institutes of Health. The healthy upper limit of coughing is 63 total coughs in a 24-hour period. After reading this information, you’re probably inclined to cough — that’s my fault, I’m sorry.

We are still at that point in the term where the first answers to the question, “How are you?” are “ill,” “sick,” and “tired.” You still hear of third, and even fourth, rounds of the ubiquitous ‘freshers’ flu’ circulating — perhaps one for each week of lectures. You cannot sit through a 50-minute lecture without hearing the accompanying soundtrack of spluttering and sneezing. If John Williams were to compose the ‘Theme from my 9am,’ the score’s main instrument would be vocal percussion: throat clearing and sniffling.

It made me wonder how many times it is socially acceptable to cough consecutively in public spaces like lecture halls, libraries, or theatres. It goes without saying that in private you’re allowed to cough as many times as you want, so enjoy that liberating feeling of purgation. In public, however, you must throw your tussive tendencies aside. I decided that three times is about as many as you can get away with before you’re met with damning stares and have to mutter the pathetic “excuse me,” as you ignominiously take yourself out of the room.

Benylin, the cough-medicine brand, conducted a survey asking the British public where the worst places to cough and sneeze were. Coming out on top was public transport (33%), shortly followed by restaurants (30%), and then aeroplanes (22%), with the lowest being beauty salons (5%). So, if ever you have a coughing fit, run to your nearest beauty salon, not airport.

In ancient Rome, a sneeze was treated as an omen, and the phrases Salve! or Iuppiter conservet (may Jupiter preserve you) were thrown around. Fast-forwarding to 590 AD, when an outbreak of the bubonic plague struck Rome, Pope Gregory I instructed the Christian community to respond with ‘bless you.’ There are several other contested origin stories, but this is the one I like to imagine happened.

In looking at sneeze responses across different languages, I noticed that they naturally divided into three main categories: wishes for health or a long life (e.g., the Polish Sto lat, “a hundred years”), religious blessings (see Greg), and confirmations of truth (e.g., the Czech Je to pravda, “it is true”). In some East Asian cultures, it is actually perceived as rude to acknowledge someone else’s sneezes. I tend to agree with this view and find nothing more annoying than when someone sneezes in an exam, and 30 people simultaneously drop their pens and say ‘Bless you.’ ‘Ooh — I know what to say in social situations, therefore I’m morally virtuous, etc.’ Pat yourself on the back and have a cheese toastie, but surely there are more interesting things to say.

If you are going to say something, at least try one of these ‘Bless you’ equivalents. In Mandarin, although rarely used, they respond with ‘Drink more water.’ I love it — straight to the point. The Mongolian Kazakhs say ‘May Tengri give me five hundred horses,’ invoking their ancient sky God, to which the response is ‘Half mine, half yours.’ And I’ll end with my favourite, one of the Hawaiian responses to a sneeze: ‘Live!’

Image from Wikimedia Commons